Photo by Caroline Hernandez on Unsplash

Dear my future daughter…

I know that you never asked to be born. Mommy knows that you are more comfortable in my belly, doing nothing comfortably for 9 months. You don’t even want this plan at all, the idea that you will be born into this world. “Better not, Lord,” you begged.

I know damn well you did not ask me to be your mother; if you could choose, you’d rather be born into a wealthy family, having a beautiful mom and dad, and just sit still waiting for your inheritance then become a millionaire as you grow up (every baby’s dream).

Same, kid. Mommy also never asked my parents to come to this world, and if Mommy could choose, suffocating in the darkness seemed more pleasant than facing such a dim world.

Sometimes confused, dazed and bewildered by the thoughts of not knowing why I should live longer? Why would I continue to live longer if I can’t even take care of my own life? Moreover, taking care of you later, someday.

Before deciding to bring you into this world, I had many candidates, a man with a personality, character, and appearance whom I want to be passed on to you. A father figure who can work together with me raising you. A man that can be your shoulder anytime you needed. A man can you rely on and not scold you, whom you can always count on when the world is turning against you.

Messy, one word that describes the difficulty of finding a dad figure as I wanted. Mom will tell you about them one by one; I wish I could invite you to talk from now on and discuss together to choose which one should we consider him to be our hero.

I never imagined that one day I would become a mother. My anxiety that I can’t fulfil your needs in the future is my biggest fear. Scared if your dad has so many expectations on you, afraid that you will grow up not like what I expected, you have to grow up in an environment that does not make you happy, afraid that you are born imperfect and just become an additional burden to my life. The longer I thought, the more unprepared I became.

I was born not “normal”, unlike ordinary humans in general. If there was a gym that I could visit at 2 a.m. I would pay dearly for it; I always wake up at the hour that normal humans are supposed to be asleep. This is genetic that my father passed on to me. I don’t want the bad things from your father’s side to come down on you. I never have a normal sleep like other ordinary humans; all day long, I felt sleepiness.

Of course, mommy wanted a stunning male with a pretty face that can be inherited to you. When you grow up, you don’t have to worry about your physical deficiencies and blame me for not marrying a beautiful guy. Although the majority believes that appearance is not everything, I have re-considered this statement since long ago adjusts to the reality of society’s current situation. Yes, appearance is everything, money is number 2, then behaviour number 1. It is simply a justification for those who do not have both.

Beauty is relative, they say. But making you beautiful is my decision before discovering who will be your father in the future. This world is cruel. I don’t want to plunge you into the cruelty I experienced in this world. I just want to make your life easier in the future. You don’t need to thank me because it’s my duty.